Since I’m a transplanted Ravens fan living in Los Angeles, there was no way I was missing this weekend’s game. It was the home opener for the San Diego Chargers and Ray Lewis made sure the birds flew outta there with our second W of the young season.
This is my third Ravens vs. Chargers game in San Diego and each time I’ve headed down to tailgate. This time was no different. My crew was in it to win it! Now, I’ve done my share of tailgating and San Diego…you need to step it up! Flip flops and sushi?? That’s what you’re bringing to the table? Unacceptable. Tailgating is all about claiming your spot on the asphalt and throwing down! I’ve seen people steaming crabs in Baltimore, I’ve seen guys BBQ bison in Buffalo, hell, I’ve even seen a pregnant woman gut a deer in Pittsburgh! But sushi? That’s a damn shame. And I LOVE sushi! I’m a seafood guy. I love fast women too…but I’m not bringing one to dinner at my grandma’s house. Feel me? What I’m saying is, there’s a time and a place for everything.
Check out some of the shots I got in San Diego.
WHERE’S THE BEEF?
On our fuckin grill. I told you we weren’t messin around. Guess what WASN’T on our menu?
Not sure what this “chef” was cooking up but I’m sure as hell not eating anything he makes. I overheard him say something about a “secret ingredient” and I gagged. Where’d he wash his hands after he was done?
This thing reminds me of the Roman Coliseum. Only older and worse.
LT was kickin it with us in the parking lot for a few. This is what his ankle looked like an hour before game time. Had to sit him.
I’m overlooking the fact that somewhere, a blind person is bumping into shit because a guy wants to make people laugh in a parking lot. Made me laugh.
I can’t believe people still make the conscious decision to wear and maintain their hair like this. I gotta be honest, the whole mullet craze was a little too much. Got old REAL quick. But there was a point. I’m guessing this guy is a little slow on the uptake when it comes to a lot of phases in his life: cars, women, work, child support, the credit card payment for the tickets he just charged. Pretty sure I’m 5 for 5.
A cooler you can drive?? I love it! I almost cooler-jacked this fool and took off with his wheels. Seriously. I HAVE to get one of these. I’ll ride it everywhere.
I’ve heard of a pup tent, but a pee tent? This is one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen at a game! This is proof of evolution! No more long lines for the spot-a-pot. This thing was awesome and I gave it a run for its money. Thanks to the Chargers fans who let me use their tent to relieve myself liquidly. And a special shout out to the poor son of a bitch who had to empty it.
RE-UP [ree-uhp] – to be re-supplied with a new, large shipment of drugs that is then distributed to street corners
THE RE-UP is the Hollywood Improv’s newest late night standup show! Comedian, Ryan Sickler, brings the best comics in the country to the stage. You’ll see comics who are regularly featured on Comedy Central, HBO, Showtime, Late Night TV and the Big Screen.
It’s time to re-up.
TONIGHT AT 10PM
I could make 6’3″- 260 float like T-Sizzle if you gave me a six-year, $63 million contract.
It’s back! Finally! Football is here and I couldn’t be more excited about the next 16 games and the 10 lbs I’m gonna put on watching the Baltimore Ravens make a run at this thing again.
Waiting for football to return is like waiting for your STD results. It feels like forever. You think back on “last season” and all of the things your “team” could’ve done differently. Then it’s here and you get good news that there were no “major injuries in training camp” and you’re right back to loving the game.
The Ravens kicked their season off with a W beating the Chiefs 38-24. The offense put up a record 501 yards. Joe Flacco threw the ball all over the place setting career highs with 307 yards and 3 TD’s. I haven’t seen balls flying around Charm City like that since the last time I was at Night Shift. And Flacco had all day to do it. We have a very good, young offensive line that should only get better.
The running game picked up right where it left off, grinding out 198 yards. We seriously have three running backs that could start for any team in the NFL. We’re like Hugh Hefner when it comes to running backs. Why have one sexy one, when you can have three?
The “experts” say we’re thin at receiver. Most of these “experts” are old, fat guys who are thin in the hair and never played the game. They sit behind their computers and their double chins and spout nonsense. And they’re almost always wrong. They’re like weathermen – almost always wrong and never held accountable (no disrespect Bob Turk).
And the D? Please. Nothing to worry about. The D line is sick and deep. Haloti makes the pro bowl this year.
The LB’s look great. Ray is a machine. The dude is just amazing. Even our young LB’s look good. We breed linebackers like Archie Manning breeds quarterbacks. (What’s in that dude’s sperm?? He should bottle it and sell it).
The secondary seemed to have ill communication (get well MCA) at times but when guys can run past you with 4.2 speed, I’m not surprised. That’s like one of us in the middle of a busy intersection trying to figure out which car to tackle. I’m sure Ed Reed had the boys over for dinner and let them know what’s up.
The Special Teams looked like they belonged in Special Ed. Chris Carr looked great – if you were judging him on running sideline to sideline. And a blocked punt for a TD? You can’t give your opponent 6 points in the NFL – unless you were the Ravens playing the Chiefs last week. That’s usually a momentum changer and fortunately for the Ravens it wasn’t. I have faith that Harbaugh gets them in order.
Big game in San Diego this weekend and I’ll be there to support the Birds. Get my full report next week!